impersonator

I wake up again to the same nighmare that haunts me with the sudden midnight asthma attack since I was 3. I have been the whole day with my father, as he returned from his far away work to spend the weekend. He visits once a month as he is this event that jumps to our lives to give us fun and gifts.  We are 6 sisters as he continues to insist to mother he should have a boy. Each of us will spend that weekend twice a year with him, as he pampers his princesses. But as this is my birthday, he decided to skip my sister and give me a third chance of his full attention. He seems different, he holds me tighter, he asphyxiates me with more kisses, he is tickling me in a harsher way. He came back in the middle of my asthma attack from the bar, rescuing me from my bed, telling my mother to protect my sisters tonight from the monster on their own room.  As I realize that the whiskey flavored kissing became biting and the monster  impersonated my daddy,  as he closes the door to my parents room while I am being place on their bed all alone. 

Stephen King They Father

I was conceived by horror, as that union was not meant to be. After a stillborn, I replaced the male baby. I was nursed by horror movies that my mother adored more than her rest or her children. Today, that is my heritage, as it is an very effective coping mechanism for people. You face symbolic evil, the real threats look less harmful. So, I saw the shower scene from Carrie, scaring for life about blood and womenhood. I was kicked out of the room by as I started crying at 6 years old. But I could hear the movies screams for the remaining 50 min or so.

Now as an adult, I understand I was Carrie, driven by guilt of being preying and exposed by narcissists.

Unleashed

I understand that I am freeing myself of a life sentence imposed by secrecy and shame. Teared apart by the weight of the abominable closeness to my agressor, at the end I just got injured by the judgement, I was right not to trust anyone with my pain.

Might be that containing my deemed light is a impossible quest, that gives thrill to the whole completing the path. 

Inmense kindness is sheltered by a soul committed to trying to care, forgetting itself. May 2025 show how to continue to the direction to pick up the pieces scattered, to keep building up the soul that lost the essence of self. 

Nosferatu

 This new iteration of the bedroom monster after 45 years of the real monster version is quite terrifying. The total madness of the evil consuming everything and anyone was a traumatic view for a 5 year old.

Some of us have woken to the horrific sensation of dread of the lurking on your sleep. 

In Italian, the word for nightmare is the same word that we identify as the demonic attacker that steals your innocence, the Incubo.

Kinski beside his known violent character, he preyed his daughters.

The new movie proposes that the victim defeats the monster assuming his corruption and liberating herself of the repression of shame and guilty pleasures.

We need to revisit the 3 times told story.

The gallant parasite of the 1922 version as a pitiful entity.

The Kinski version on 1979 just played himself, attacking females on their sleep.

May this time in 2024, we have the monster destroyed by its own rotten behavior by his own victim.

Legacy

As I just realized that it ends with me, now that the reproductive cycle is extinguishing in a blunt way, I am mutating out the old skin. No more yearning for a compatible accomplice, family was never a realistic path, as I acknowledge the acrobatics in life only can support my own dead weight. Vibrations, twists and turns, holding someone else's luggage is too much as I can fracture slowly due to the extra load.  I can only balance myself day by day : insomniac, hormonal and in open flesh sensitiveness. No more drama, no more day dreaming or foolish hoping. Raw is the metamorphosis that is liberating the cynic that I need to be. Young adult is now so my muse.

melting point

Magnifying as a lense

Drowning slowly in the sweat

Flows down my skin

Burned by the exposure

Naked  to the flare 

Blinded by the explosion

Soaked on the flames 

Slowly melting the soul

Draining myself 

Silence is aware

That only his presence spares

The intensity of the stress

To return to the solid state

Alone

Why keep building on thin air

Trying to narrate in two voices

When the silence is complicent

About being alone at the end

Why look ahead

When it's just a game

To pass time

To fool fate

But we is more convenient

Us sounds right

Liking is just enough

Avoidance is the path

write until you help yourself

Il Porco

Il #Porco  lifetime survivors list  due to predatory behavior against minor females from  1954- 2000 - Paedophile as he approached girls from 2-17 years of age to sexual abuse them in their own homes

1954 -Y.C. - Father abused all his female daughters in front of him while drunk. The abused stop due to heart attack of father while he rode with little sister and himself. Traumatic events trigger the monster.

1954-1969 - Boarding School - Molested by catholic religious caregivers as he was an orphan. Trauma as he assumed sexual behavior as abuse as many psychopaths have been profiled at Latam

1962 - Y.B. - Cousin at vacations at Uncle's Home - She was really traumatized, even claiming she wanted to marry her cousin.

1970 - Statutory rape of Teenage girlfriend M.S.- 15 years old - She probably was previously abused, unknown attackers. M.S. became Mother of 5 of the Porco's children. She normalized as she was child molestation victim (  She confessed to daughter she was molested by brother in law at 12) .  Brother? charged by statutory rape and got married with victim and abused his daughters too, they are all mentally disable to some degree. This brother keep trying to groom myself (uncle R.C.S).

1970 Impregnated married woman, did not pay child support

1972  Tried to molest nieces but he could not drink and did not have alone time with them at USA

1972-1985 Paid political niece (wife's ) money  (she was an addict but claimed money for university materials for her courses. Suspision of attent of abuse as she had been continuosly abused by her own father since 2 years old D.M.C.

1976 -  Minor female  -17 years old 

1981 - "bought" an indigenous "woman" for marriage (slept with a minor at her family's ranch

1987 Rape event when he was left alone with minors while drunk 31 dec 1987 while his wife visited her dying cancer mother 

1980-1985 - niece M.T.

1987-1998 Incest  -Molestation of female step daughters - He claimed he had a "relationship" with one of them, although he met them at 13 years of age while he was already 37 and he had their mother a his mistress

1980-2000 Daughters - Incest : rape, nudity & molestation of from 3-17 years old of age of all of them in different degrees of alcoholic intoxication 

2018 - Daughters confess the incest, they are gaslighted by the rest of the family. They cut ties with parents, and the other sisters resent the confession.

2023 - Writing this bio horror story as one of the incest survivors

Movement -Chieh