Debt

The last time I contacted my youngest sister, I understood that the 6 years apart we share is the key to our failed relationship. As a spoiled brat, when we move with my father she was just 4years old and she was a little tiran, as my mother was either neglecting us or just applying all the aggression possible. Sothe outcome of this outbringing was the emotional instability of her character, that at the end was hiding her bipolar condition. Recently, the siblings cane to the conclusion that my father is a psychopath and my mother became borderline from her abuse.

It’s 2018 and the last time I contacted sister 4was 2years ago. I noticed her constant avoidance Tomy approaches in social media and in private messages. The break up became a reality as I confessed to all the family, with my sister 3 testimony by the abuse she herself suffered from my father as aggressor and my mother as accomplice, with the support of my sister 1. The thing was a great shock, as although everyone knew except sister 4 of all the events, they were sinful secrets to hide, not situations to face and ask for restoration.

We knew that I was going to be blamed, to confess my father.s incest, but I was way too naïve to understand that in their eyes, I was justifying their poor parenting as I was denying forgiveness. I was again in debt with all of them.

I just wrote to my sister 4, to ask for a meeting before moving again to another country. She answered she was deeply hurt with my indifference about her recent health condition, has brain tumors. I explained I did not contact her avoiding any family feud, as we knew they would react to my presence in a very resentfully way. She said that I was a manipulating person, as that was an  excuse. She continued the same shame monologue, even as I asked to be forgiving for hurting her feelings. She commanded that I was not in a moral ground to expect her to see me. She replied as always, you are unable to face yoir flaws, that is why a condem you. Then, it was totally clear. I was supposed to break this vicious circle. I replied, you are the one that is playing games, I requested a meeting, it was required a positive or negative answer. You are just continuing the blame, I backed off. I wish her a successful healing, and left the chat.

I know now that my sister splitter the blame of her abused between my parents and me, giving me a big proportion of resent as I am the family’s scapegoat. It is quite easy for her deal with her dichotomic parents only viewing their good intentions, leaving their past and present abuse only as personality traits, that she usually ignores avoiding any contact. She only reaches them for help, and the do the firefighter stunt, coming late, breaking everything and naming a lot of accomplishes.

In the other hand, as my sister symptoms totally ruled her life as she finished law School in 2009, she totally declare me as her nemesis. Any behavior of mine is to be scrutinized, severely framed as evil and any attempt to reach her is a complex manipulation. Mainly we lost track of a relationship since my marriage and leaving home in 2006. There is a sick pattern, as each 3years I try to reach her, we have a 6months truce and then she distances from me abruptly.
So again, 2006 I was blamed to stop supporting he family as I married, but I gave my father money for his meds and my mother when she requested. They both kept quite, and my sisters thought I just left them to root.
2009 my sister 4was diagnosed as bipolar, I supported the diagnosis as my ex husband had an aunt that that the same mental condition, sharing the same behavior. As my family left, I tried to contact her, but she denied me to go to her house.
2010 she had a suicide attempt, my father came back from a trip to ask a legal  guardian to institutionalize her. She was treated on a month period and left by her own will. She rejected the family therapy.

2013she had a break down, the family did an intervention and we found her a flat, paid for her expenses and medical insurance. I had a mental breakdown and lost my job I was unable to pay for the insurance and she became sour.
2015 we came closer as I was leaving the country, I left her all my belongings. She was distant and avoided me. I decided to travel alone my last days. I finished some citizenship procedures for the whole family, but I lack to finish mine, she refused to help me.

2016 she was avoidant with me in social media

2017 after my break up from the family, she said I just made a fuss and that she refused to support my version of the incest as a victim. That those quarrels were just a way to manipulate her.

2018she refused to see me for a last time

Now see, she totally excluded me from her life since I betrayed her marrying and moving on. I was in debt as I was supposed to support her always. But, she denies my mental condition, and she ignores that that the family requested my economical support all the time despite my deteriorating condition.

Now I face it, I am useful sane as it is possible that I leverage everyone else. But the fuel for that support is blame, as any effort I do is not enough.

So, as a blow, I face that I am the only Ally I have to strive, give my life the dignity it was always denied by my birth family, but that is constantly restored by people that hear my struggle and value my healing.
Maybe, in her parallel universe, a evil older sister is more bearable than a alcoholic abusive Parenthod, with a incestoust father and a  narcissitic neglecting mother, with damaged siblings.