pront@

26 days to become 44 years old

è pronta a confessare

I am ready to confess.

Estoy lista para confesarme.

Ready to spill my guts out as recommended Xavier Velasco in his literary screening at my University on 2000. He was a sensation with his novel Diablo Guardian, about the confession of a woman that got trapped on a sextraficking maze in Mexico. He inspired me to share a personal story that could tear us apart. I had developed his inner voice and I splited into 3 people: the paedophile, the 8 year old girl and an old woman that drained me. So, I gave him a monologue based on my own csa. Velasco  never confirmed he received it or even read it. Later on, I shared it with a sister when I disclosed the trauma.  She said she was really sorry for my martyhood but there were greater horrors. But a decade later supported both my abusers instead of me when I came clean about this hellrisers box.

I have never understood why ignored my pain. Lost trust. We know each other from a past life,  we were both chained to the same tree for 20 years. 

Navigated diagnosis for 20 years from depression to borderline personality disorder as I felt guilty for the csa.  My almost autistic behavior and huge body dysphoria were phases that mutated to sociopathy. The nightmares began, as soon as I fell sleep,   But I did not dare to imagine that I would be choked by a more abominable abuser one night.

Woke up to the familiar whiskey, hand over my mouth, another hand removing my underwear and a hard slime on my back. I understood that I was again the prey, but I only thought about my younger sister across the room still sleeping. While frozen, I heard the most disgusting phrase of my whole life "calm down, you are replacing your mother tonight". Wiping, I was tighten by the two hand that wrap me as a boa constrictor. He suddenly freed me,   my mother was looking from  the door. He passed her and she closed the door.  I locked up and waited for the morning to come. My insomniatic phase started.  Next day, I was woke up to accompany father to the temple, but God died last night.

I had been accepted to study engineering as daddy wanted. I started to fantazied about harm on me as I left to the university. Only while my period I could be certain no harm could be experienced, as  it would be gross, right ? I cut my hair short, I need to become  a male.

But the insomnia was fuelled by the restless nightmares of this transmale that was me. It went on for a few weeks and I requested help for the nightmares at the psychology student service. The trainee heard my interview, I voiced that I was on a fellatio by male relative at 8, but that the grooming started at 3, I assumed with the recurrency of the asthma attacks. I protected daddy too, men were uncontrollable beast with desires, fuelled by light hair girls as myself, the golden girl.But of course, my mother claimed that it was my fault to be silently afraid. Her nephew was a hormonal bully, his claims that he was going to marry me when he was older were just a game, you let him touch you inappropiately. It's on you, your are too attached to your drunk  daddy. As a mom I always brought you girls to sleep with daddy when he arrived from the bar, he was just affeccionate, you perverted 13 year old daughter of Satan. You just lie. 

Avatars are the sane to emphatize with those caricatured family. Tony Soprano is my father, in all aspects you can imagine and in those I will not reveal .   My mother is Baby Jane, love and hate in the same woman. Sometimes she matures to Carrie White's caregiver status, everything about me is shameful growing up. As a child of sin, I should have been aborted, was the last blessing I heard from her. 

My siblings, well although they are triplets, I will mimetize them in just one entity by stages. I had that sister that left to Africa in Color Purple, she grew up to become the accomplice Gabrielle for Xena and finally she became the distant mother from Pet Semetery, that wanted her sick sister Selma gone. I will always be the wailing thing all of them wanted gone for good. 

. Digested all life's left overs and viewed each character in their real dimension to the plot  only on my 38 birthday. I was confined to my own solitude castle, I had collapsed emotionally. 

In any case, I decided to assume orphanhood since 2017. 

I reoriented my project management scope for life. Autobiography 2023: was a loner due to the clandestinity of others' people crimes and accessory behavior to my harm. I was given life purpose by a loving caregiver called Dilia, but she died. After that, the 4 sisters were raised by my triplet sisters by wolves: Roma, Firenze, Venezia and Pompeya. Roma left us in the cave, only came back to feed the old wolves so they did not perish. Firenze bloosomed, but gave up to excesses, to later become mystic. Venezia succumbed has been extremely fragile ever since. Of course, I am Pompeya, burned out and still with live wounds becoming a stone in some tissue fragments: bitter and dogmatic for the past , pleasant and manipulative for the present, brave and adventurerous for my future. 

Losses: we all got burned, Rome escaped on time. The rest of us are sterile, there were no more nephews. But, I have discovered that I am the most rational of the four, as I am ready to storytell the nightmare.