PANIC_0

Arrivò il Grande Pan

Distrusse mio padre

Spaventa i suoi figli

Voce terrificante

Volto mostruoso

Anima corrotta

Ubriaco di malizia

Spaventa di notte

night life of the Rannes

Suffering from insomnia I only have one wish. I wonder what happens every night after dark. Every summer they apppear. When I kind of doze off, they lurk without a noise. They watch movies, dance and hike. They prepare early breakfast with pancakes at 1am o midnight tacos for all. They only leave their fingerprints all over the place, besides Tons of dishes to wash and no cheese or chocolate. I love them both, as they like the beach, go hiking or share bicycling with me.  See you next summer, Mr Daddy Ranne and Miss Teen Ranne. 

morning walk

 I have terrible insomnia with the feeling that I have to burn the house down. Just discovered him on their room. Drunk, despicable, almost demonic. I just walked back to my room. Their destiny is sealed with another secret. He is a saint, a great heroe, my love. I better just go for my morning walk and forget what happened. Nothing to see here.They won't remember a thing, they were sleeping. Their nightmare complaining is lack of devotion for their father.

Criminogenesis

Cognition or will are affected by substances? Is the psychopathy on your detached behavior that objectified other? Is there remorse, do you regret the pulsation of being animalistic? How come you could easily satisfy basic needs at the same time that you triggered the worse fears? Might it be mentally handicapped by trauma? No, cruelty is a manifestation of will. Being a human ruin is it just a consequence of the egocentric manipulation of others. Your humanity gave you the emotional urge to seek for love, caregiving was the trap. Yesterday while reading the wounded book of another woman about her past, I reflected. Just picking up pieces of identity, I experienced dysfunctionality. Caregiving was conditional and validation was given by silence. I escaped only at 36. Now at 47 I am ultimate ready to condemn both of treason. 

Des ALMA 2

I was born in Latin America, to the typical single mother with an absent father. She was raising me technically alone with my grandmother, as she held a long distance relationship with him. Visits once a month, while he was drunk all weekend with us. Full of gifts, love bombing with grabbing and kissing, I was the favorite ginger haired treat for daddy. He was obsessed with me, my mother started being hostile to me. I started with insomnia and later with asthma attacks; nightmares about family members becoming evil haunted my sleep. I kept a secret for almost two decades: another male relative simultaneously molested me as my father did too. The younger male escalated the abuse on the day I got this id. We left the city to live as a “united family” with my father away from this young abuser. My daddy escalated his molestation while claiming when I confronted him and my mother, he had black outs about abuse when he got drunk. He was enabled by my needy mother, who did not stop him when she knew she was in my room at night. I went through university, married but divorced due to chronic depression. I was too ashamed about my trauma for years, actually disclosing the incest episodes on my 30’s. I was diagnosed accurately with Cpst and have navigated the trauma with narrative exposure therapy, retelling my story in therapy, online confiding with other survivors and in a blog. I cut ties from the dysfunctional family that did not believe me. We are a legion of human beings that were betrayed by people we grew up with, and we were chained by guilt not to speak up.

jews

Einstein, Freud, Kafka, Spinoza, Spielberg, Garry Kasparov, Julius Oppenheimer, Niels Bohr, Carl Sagan, Ellie Wiesel, Marcel Marceau, Marcel Proust, Arthur Miller, Jesus

impersonator

I wake up again to the same nighmare that haunts me with the sudden midnight asthma attack since I was 3. I have been the whole day with my father, as he returned from his far away work to spend the weekend. He visits once a month as he is this event that jumps to our lives to give us fun and gifts.  We are 6 sisters as he continues to insist to mother he should have a boy. Each of us will spend that weekend twice a year with him, as he pampers his princesses. But as this is my birthday, he decided to skip my sister and give me a third chance of his full attention. He seems different, he holds me tighter, he asphyxiates me with more kisses, he is tickling me in a harsher way. He came back in the middle of my asthma attack from the bar, rescuing me from my bed, telling my mother to protect my sisters tonight from the monster on their own room.  As I realize that the whiskey flavored kissing became biting and the monster  impersonated my daddy,  as he closes the door to my parents room while I am being place on their bed all alone. 

Stephen King They Father

I was conceived by horror, as that union was not meant to be. After a stillborn, I replaced the male baby. I was nursed by horror movies that my mother adored more than her rest or her children. Today, that is my heritage, as it is an very effective coping mechanism for people. You face symbolic evil, the real threats look less harmful. So, I saw the shower scene from Carrie, scaring for life about blood and womenhood. I was kicked out of the room by as I started crying at 6 years old. But I could hear the movies screams for the remaining 50 min or so.

Now as an adult, I understand I was Carrie, driven by guilt of being preying and exposed by narcissists.

Unleashed

I understand that I am freeing myself of a life sentence imposed by secrecy and shame. Teared apart by the weight of the abominable closeness to my agressor, at the end I just got injured by the judgement, I was right not to trust anyone with my pain.

Might be that containing my deemed light is a impossible quest, that gives thrill to the whole completing the path. 

Inmense kindness is sheltered by a soul committed to trying to care, forgetting itself. May 2025 show how to continue to the direction to pick up the pieces scattered, to keep building up the soul that lost the essence of self. 

Nosferatu

 This new iteration of the bedroom monster after 45 years of the real monster version is quite terrifying. The total madness of the evil consuming everything and anyone was a traumatic view for a 5 year old.

Some of us have woken to the horrific sensation of dread of the lurking on your sleep. 

In Italian, the word for nightmare is the same word that we identify as the demonic attacker that steals your innocence, the Incubo.

Kinski beside his known violent character, he preyed his daughters.

The new movie proposes that the victim defeats the monster assuming his corruption and liberating herself of the repression of shame and guilty pleasures.

We need to revisit the 3 times told story.

The gallant parasite of the 1922 version as a pitiful entity.

The Kinski version on 1979 just played himself, attacking females on their sleep.

May this time in 2024, we have the monster destroyed by its own rotten behavior by his own victim.

Legacy

As I just realized that it ends with me, now that the reproductive cycle is extinguishing in a blunt way, I am mutating out the old skin. No more yearning for a compatible accomplice, family was never a realistic path, as I acknowledge the acrobatics in life only can support my own dead weight. Vibrations, twists and turns, holding someone else's luggage is too much as I can fracture slowly due to the extra load.  I can only balance myself day by day : insomniac, hormonal and in open flesh sensitiveness. No more drama, no more day dreaming or foolish hoping. Raw is the metamorphosis that is liberating the cynic that I need to be. Young adult is now so my muse.

melting point

Magnifying as a lense

Drowning slowly in the sweat

Flows down my skin

Burned by the exposure

Naked  to the flare 

Blinded by the explosion

Soaked on the flames 

Slowly melting the soul

Draining myself 

Silence is aware

That only his presence spares

The intensity of the stress

To return to the solid state

Alone

Why keep building on thin air

Trying to narrate in two voices

When the silence is complicent

About being alone at the end

Why look ahead

When it's just a game

To pass time

To fool fate

But we is more convenient

Us sounds right

Liking is just enough

Avoidance is the path

write until you help yourself

Il Porco

Il #Porco  lifetime survivors list  due to predatory behavior against minor females from  1954- 2000 - Paedophile as he approached girls from 2-17 years of age to sexual abuse them in their own homes

1954 -Y.C. - Father abused all his female daughters in front of him while drunk. The abused stop due to heart attack of father while he rode with little sister and himself. Traumatic events trigger the monster.

1954-1969 - Boarding School - Molested by catholic religious caregivers as he was an orphan. Trauma as he assumed sexual behavior as abuse as many psychopaths have been profiled at Latam

1962 - Y.B. - Cousin at vacations at Uncle's Home - She was really traumatized, even claiming she wanted to marry her cousin.

1970 - Statutory rape of Teenage girlfriend M.S.- 15 years old - She probably was previously abused, unknown attackers. M.S. became Mother of 5 of the Porco's children. She normalized as she was child molestation victim (  She confessed to daughter she was molested by brother in law at 12) .  Brother? charged by statutory rape and got married with victim and abused his daughters too, they are all mentally disable to some degree. This brother keep trying to groom myself (uncle R.C.S).

1970 Impregnated married woman, did not pay child support

1972  Tried to molest nieces but he could not drink and did not have alone time with them at USA

1972-1985 Paid political niece (wife's ) money  (she was an addict but claimed money for university materials for her courses. Suspision of attent of abuse as she had been continuosly abused by her own father since 2 years old D.M.C.

1976 -  Minor female  -17 years old 

1981 - "bought" an indigenous "woman" for marriage (slept with a minor at her family's ranch

1987 Rape event when he was left alone with minors while drunk 31 dec 1987 while his wife visited her dying cancer mother 

1980-1985 - niece M.T.

1987-1998 Incest  -Molestation of female step daughters - He claimed he had a "relationship" with one of them, although he met them at 13 years of age while he was already 37 and he had their mother a his mistress

1980-2000 Daughters - Incest : rape, nudity & molestation of from 3-17 years old of age of all of them in different degrees of alcoholic intoxication 

2018 - Daughters confess the incest, they are gaslighted by the rest of the family. They cut ties with parents, and the other sisters resent the confession.

2023 - Writing this bio horror story as one of the incest survivors

Movement -Chieh

 

44 & poetry from Shalom...paz....freeda

saint Marcellus

https://aishlatino.com/existen-los-angeles/?fbclid=IwAR3sPPILxCJxOpTBjojKVaWWCZzdqXUVoklFCTq1u6QX2oZxkx8OKZ7boMI

Pulga Torio . Flea Tory

1985

My grandmother, alias Dilia, started doing an undercover operation. She explained that she was having woman days again, but that it was wrong. So her neighbor recommended hormonal treatment, and the farmacist gave her birth control pills under the counter. She was ashamed and did not want to expose this situation to my mother, as she was so anxious all the time.

So after 2 months, as being 65 and the situation continued more dramatically, she confessed. My mother called her obstetrician and the testing started. 

I was accustomed to the hospitals, the labs, the kneedles, the pain. The named suited me, Marcela is dedicated to the Lord of War, and I was a warrior in from of my real asthma, and in front of the Munchausen my mother developed with all of her daughters. As in Sharp Objects, her girls were wounded dolls, to take for medical attention ALL the time.

Well, I was afraid they would vaccinate Dilia to stop the bleeding, as they did to immunize me from asthma for a year, 54 times, once a week.  But after my mother sold her jewellery, our Betamax and asked my father for a loan that he denied, as he did not have "obligation" with her family, she had enough to pay for all the scanning in the Cancer Foundation. 

The obstetrician had talked to the oncologist, she needed immediate surgery. Her son had died the year before due to metastasis, my great grandmother too and my dearest uncle died 20 years later from it too. The doctor just said, we need to save her life, and then we irradiate her.

Well, the suffering began. Really fearful for her soul, she met a lady that offered help with that. She met her while she was giving these pictured magazines with a lot of bible explanations and drawings. She came the next day, gave her a orange summary of the Bible with a lot of pictures like a cartoon book. For 6 months, they read together, this Jehovah's Witness gave her peace and after each session, Dilia shared the lesson.

So Dilia, my sister Caro and me heard about the genesis, about a snake, about noe, about king David, about king Salomon. I peaked to the end, and the book was scary, with fire and people running , and Armageddon. I asked... When is this? She theorized it was to happen in 20 years, when I would be an adult. 

She mentioned that she heard that catholics had pictures of a place between earth and the next step, hell or heaven. She just wanted to rest, leave in peace. The transition was some place with fire, Calle purgatory. Today I know it's to purge.... Something. But I only knew another word Pulga (flea), so I assumed that the fire sensation I felt siting in dirty places, was similar to this fleatory (purgatorio in my mother tongue Spanish). 

So, I mentioned that she was a great replacement to my own "angry all the time" mom. I did not remember much of my traveling dad, as he only came once a month and he just sleep in weekends. He liked whiskey and friends too much. So, he was whiskelized most of the time home. He required us to guard his sleep, all smelly and harsh, hugging us like a huge bear. He hurted me a couple of times, I did not know my krav maga self defense yet.

So again, got cut with the telenovela mode. Dilia was 4 years more with pain and dysfunction, with those " fleas of cancer" eating her alive. Yes, my mom explained with a anatomy book how cancer made the white cells massacre the rest of he body. 

Today, 38 years later, the fleas have come for me. It seems that the nervous systems is tired of insomnia, and systems will shot down. I get bites every now and then. I need to call my father's  only sister to ask her about my other grandma's fleas. She had a decrepit symptoms, sclerosis. She had it by 50 and left by 56. She could not move. I did not meet her, but I was going to be named as her. On the last moment, my mother decided to change my fate to Marcela.... Mars warrior. 

So, I am in purgatory with exams, results and feeling that the fleas are getting away with it.

freedom

You taught me to live at the edge

All the time to be afraid

Fear became my friend

He just stared at fate

You returned to me in many forms

Gentle but cruel

Exacerbating but lost

Love bombing but consuming 

Gentle but childish

I let you go

You are free from me

As I was never yours to slave

Fly away

Wounded bird

Turned into a cruel hawke by dispair

Loneliness is the way